Sticks and stones..

may break my bones but words will never hurt me....the person who came up with this has never heard the following words from their 4 year old son.

Yesterday I was washing the dishes and Bubba was running a bath for the boys. Caleb came to me and started whining that he wanted Cohen to take a bath first because he didn't want to take one. Here is how the conversation went...

Honey, go take your bath because Daddy and I have a surprise for you!!

What is it??

I can't tell you, it's a surprise, the faster you get done with bath the faster you will find out...

What is THE SURPRISE? (getting angry)

Caleb it is a surprise, you will find out after bath!

Well, I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU MOMMY.....DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS??? (The look on his face is unforgettable, he was so angry)

What is your surprise.....

FOR YOU TO DIE!

Ok, I was in SHOCK. I turned the water off and looked at his VERY angry face and said YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT TO ME!!!! He knew what he said was serious because he ran to the couch and cried. Sally was holding Kinley and heard some of what he said. Bubba came out of the bathroom and I told him, he put Caleb in the shower and I called my mom. I didn't know what to do or how to handle this. I was heartbroken and in complete shock. My mom couldn't believe her ears. She said I needed to talk to him and explain what he said and what it meant and make him feel bad so he understands. So I did. He screamed the entire time I was trying to talk to him. He wouldn't tell me who said it. He just kept yelling "let me out and I will calm down" I was just sitting on the floor, not touching him not holding him down just sitting there. At one point he ran to the door and yelled under it "PLEASE LET ME OUT, MOMMY IS BEING SO MEAN TO ME!" I just kept asking why he was so mad. He couldn't tell me.

I kept waiting for the 'breakthrough' like they have on Nanny 911 that would make everything magically better....it never came. I didn't' get anywhere. So I let him out. He did apologize but I couldn't tell if it was just to get out or he really was sorry.

He came to sit with me while I put Kinley to sleep and he said he was sorry and I asked 'for what' he said for saying that to you. He apologized several more times so I believe now that he is sorry and didn't mean it. But it has stuck in my head like nothing else. I fear I'm failing him. Honestly, if he talks to me like this I am failing. Last night Bubba told me to talk a bath (which is a treat for me, I usually shower in 10 mins in the am) I was obviously upset and needed alone time, so I thought and prayed and thought a little more, I came to the conclusion that I need to go to church on Sunday. I don't know if it was just my conscience talking or what but I really think he can help. I'm going to find books today to help too. Now if the message on Sunday is about parenting, I may have a heart attack but that is my plan. I need help. I need prayers. I need something, I'm heart broken in every aspect of the word. I couldn't sleep at all last night. I am so hurt by his words. How would you feel if your child said he wanted you to die?

I have put every ounce of myself into him and his brother and sister. Given them everything, cared for them since day one, loved them, sang to them, played with them, held them, doctored them, everthing! Why would he ever say this to me? I realize he is a child and they say things they don't mean they just know they are angry words and how to use them, Boy did he! I can't just brush this off, it has stuck in my heart forever. I am crushed, hurt, sad, upset and angry. I want this to be fixed. Caleb has seemed so angry lately. Cohen is out of control also. He has officially turned two and it is going to be a heck of a year with him but Caleb has me worried. What will I do when he is 16? Will he hate me? Am I over reacting? I don't know...